Black, White & Letting Go.

Well crapper doodles, I have got to say that I cannot believe it’s the end of 2016. I wanted to write a post on how optimistic I am about 2017…and a few days ago I was. Not much has changed except a meeting with my lawyer. A meeting that made me go over the poop storm that was the last two years. To be completely honest, it has made me more sad than I could ever have imagined. I usually try to keep things light and fun, that’s how truly want to be but right now I am sad. I am sad thinking of what was lost in the last two years. The momentum that was lost in my business, the people I let down and hurt when I couldn’t control my emotions. I am sad that Addy remembers that I couldn’t remember things. That my beautiful 3 year old daughter (who is almost 5 now) would rub my back as I cried some days because I physically could not stand up.  The pain, the frustration of not being able to complete the simplest tasks, or communicate my thoughts, wanting to give the very best I could to my clients, but not having all of me to offer.

I don’t blame myself for not sharing openly what I was going through, I didn’t want people to doubt my ability to do my job, I didn’t want people’s pity, or lack of understanding.  It was easier to just keep it to myself, but as with many things, I have learned that hiding them doesn’t make them go away.

Now I am feeling a lot better. Not 100% yet, but I have days where I don’t have headaches at all, days where my vision isn’t blurry, where I don’t have pain. And it’s a relief. I am so thankful for that.

However, I think that I need to grieve the loss of what was the last two years. Someone mentioned it at one point, and I kind of brushed it off…but I feel like I need to let it out.

That I didn’t get to see my children learn to ski. I couldn’t enjoy Finley’s silly toddler years as much as I wanted to. I spent more than 400 hours traveling to, and in treatment. I napped most days, and lost out on the opportunity to grow, create and do things that I loved. I didn’t go out to social events, missed special occasions. I constantly had to turn down my children’s invitations to play and on many occasions would scream in pain when they would try to play or jump on me, and then have to watch them cry, and I would cry, and they didn’t understand it at all.

I couldn’t really see. Not close up. Sometimes barely at all. I couldn’t read words. Not for more than a second at a time. I couldn’t trust my mind to know where I was standing, walking, going. I was covered in bruises from walking into things, I would fall over when bending down, and was constantly apologizing for my words, or lack thereof. I would fall in front of clients, and friends. I didn’t feel like myself and I couldn’t DO anything. I learned to type with my eyes closed, and trusted Siri to dictate more messages than I should have (and after all of that she still gets me wrong most of the time) and more than a dozen times, in a low moment, I considered closing the doors of my business. I felt so very inadequate. But I am so thankful that I persevered (and for my amazing clients who were so amazing and understanding!)

From anxiety, pain, bouts of depression, piles of medication and lack of ability to exercise I gained almost forty pounds. I did everything I had done previously to lose weight and nothing worked. Another way I was failing.  

Every doctor, physio, specialist pretty much agreed. It would be time. The best thing I could do was to NOT do. And from someone whose entire road map for success was navigated by completing things on a to-do list, this was no easy task.

I was tested. I failed some of those tests, barely passed others, but in everything I learned.

The Bible says (MSG James 1:2-4)

Consider it a sheer gift, friend, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure ,your faith-life is forced into the open and shows it’s true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

AND (MSG 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens.

Photograph by Me – This is Photography

So here I am. Starting my 33rd year, about to start 2017. Thanking God for all of this, because through the pain, through the many frustrations, I found myself. I found that I had my living all wrong. And we’ve been working through it, taking what I have learned and applying it to live the life that we want as a family . It’s why I started Encourage Inspire. I want people to have access to the learning that I had without going through a traumatic experience to get there.  

I have learned that I matter. I matter enough to put myself first sometimes. I matter enough to ask for my needs to be met. I matter enough to not feel the need to reply to emails at 3am and to realize my value is not determined by a to do list.

I have learned from so many amazing individuals that I believe were put on my path for a purpose that was specifically intended for me.

When I collected all of the things that my heart was drawn to this year, or that people gave to me, or I got as prizes or gifts at an event or retreat,,,the theme was consistent. Black, White and Gold. I have been drawn to gold things these last six months ago. But as I look around, I notice I have gold jewelry, gold pens, gold foil quotes, gold terrariums, a gentle reminder to my soul that through the fire, Gold is refined. I am going to be better, stronger and more precious for having endured. I know these times were dark, but in some ways I am starting fresh.

Job 23:10

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.nI believe I am going to come out better for what trials I have faced.

1 Peter 1:6-7 Living Bible (TLB)

6 So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough for a while down here.7 These trials are only to test your faith, to see whether or not it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests gold and purifies it—and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold; so if your faith remains strong after being tried in the test tube of fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day of his return.

When you see my new years celebration & decorations, my goal planning, the jewlery I have been wearingm my new planner etc… you’ll see the gold is sprinkled throughout the black and white. 

Photograph by Me – This is Photography

This is what I needed. I needed to work through this, and now I can be optimistic again. I am not a sum of my trials. I am not the mistakes I have made. I am not the pain I have felt. I am precious, gold, whose value is still going up. And this year is going to be a great one. I do not need to measure myself by the numbers being put forth to a lawyer,  I don’t need to be discouraged by what was, but believe that what lies ahead is great. I have some plans for 2017, some goals to work towards. But most importantly, I am here, with my family, getting well, and doing my very best. I went sledding with my kids yesterday. I laughed, I got freezing cold and it was wonderful. I am not sure I would have appreciated it as much without what I have gone through the last two years.

Oh and how I hesitate to share this, as I don’t want anyone to ever think I don’t love photographing weddings, or think I wasn’t careful to be sure to take the best care of my clients. I honored my commitments and had the best couples, and took on limited work so I could properly take care of those clients. I may have missed a few emails, or been a bit slower at social media, but all of my wonderful couples got their beautifully cultivated galleries on time. I would never have risked someone’s wedding.

And also, a little reminder to give people a little grace whenever you can, you have no idea what they may be going through!

Credits – New Years Decor & Big Sphere Balloons – Glow the Event Store