Well crapper doodles, I have got to say that I cannot believe it’s the end of 2016. I wanted to write a post on how optimistic I am about 2017…and a few days ago I was. Not much has changed except a meeting with my lawyer. A meeting that made me go over the poop storm that was the last two years. To be completely honest, it has made me more sad than I could ever have imagined. I usually try to keep things light and fun, that’s how truly want to be but right now I am sad. I am sad thinking of what was lost in the last two years. The momentum that was lost in my business, the people I let down and hurt when I couldn’t control my emotions. I am sad that Addy remembers that I couldn’t remember things. That my beautiful 3 year old daughter (who is almost 5 now) would rub my back as I cried some days because I physically could not stand up. The pain, the frustration of not being able to complete the simplest tasks, or communicate my thoughts, wanting to give the very best I could to my clients, but not having all of me to offer.
I don’t blame myself for not sharing openly what I was going through, I didn’t want people to doubt my ability to do my job, I didn’t want people’s pity, or lack of understanding. It was easier to just keep it to myself, but as with many things, I have learned that hiding them doesn’t make them go away.
Now I am feeling a lot better. Not 100% yet, but I have days where I don’t have headaches at all, days where my vision isn’t blurry, where I don’t have pain. And it’s a relief. I am so thankful for that.
However, I think that I need to grieve the loss of what was the last two years. Someone mentioned it at one point, and I kind of brushed it off…but I feel like I need to let it out.
That I didn’t get to see my children learn to ski. I couldn’t enjoy Finley’s silly toddler years as much as I wanted to. I spent more than 400 hours traveling to, and in treatment. I napped most days, and lost out on the opportunity to grow, create and do things that I loved. I didn’t go out to social events, missed special occasions. I constantly had to turn down my children’s invitations to play and on many occasions would scream in pain when they would try to play or jump on me, and then have to watch them cry, and I would cry, and they didn’t understand it at all.
I couldn’t really see. Not close up. Sometimes barely at all. I couldn’t read words. Not for more than a second at a time. I couldn’t trust my mind to know where I was standing, walking, going. I was covered in bruises from walking into things, I would fall over when bending down, and was constantly apologizing for my words, or lack thereof. I would fall in front of clients, and friends. I didn’t feel like myself and I couldn’t DO anything. I learned to type with my eyes closed, and trusted Siri to dictate more messages than I should have (and after all of that she still gets me wrong most of the time) and more than a dozen times, in a low moment, I considered closing the doors of my business. I felt so very inadequate. But I am so thankful that I persevered (and for my amazing clients who were so amazing and understanding!)
From anxiety, pain, bouts of depression, piles of medication and lack of ability to exercise I gained almost forty pounds. I did everything I had done previously to lose weight and nothing worked. Another way I was failing.
Every doctor, physio, specialist pretty much agreed. It would be time. The best thing I could do was to NOT do. And from someone whose entire road map for success was navigated by completing things on a to-do list, this was no easy task.
I was tested. I failed some of those tests, barely passed others, but in everything I learned.
The Bible says (MSG James 1:2-4)
Consider it a sheer gift, friend, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure ,your faith-life is forced into the open and shows it’s true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
AND (MSG 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens.
